In my work as a non-monogamy therapist and coach I often hear things like, “My relationship with my boyfriend’s perfect except that his wife won’t let him spend the night at my house” or “my partner wants to come home to meet my family, but her husband won’t let her.” The hard truth in such situations, excluding instances of oppression and abuse, is that the person upholding those limits in their own relationship(s) is the one who’s ultimately choosing to do so. The choices to stay the night or meet that partner’s family are still available to these people. They’re simply assessing the needs and desires within their different relationships and deciding how they want to delineate their own time and energy accordingly.
Every choice we make in life comes with it’s own set of pros and cons . There are always reasons we each make the choices that we do. In the context of non-monogamy situations become much healthier and less confusing when each person owns those reasons. If you think of your relationship as a ship, it’s clear that the only people who can control the ship are the ones on board. Others can come over the radio to offer suggestions or requests, but barring instances of abuse, they don’t actually have any control. To avoid the illusion that people outside of a relationship are the ones controlling it’s course, my main recommendation is that we all uphold expectations that each individual in a given relationship own their own choices.
“The only people who can control the ship are the ones on board. Others can make suggestions on the radio, but they don’t actually have any control.”
When people abdicate responsibility for their own decisions by putting them off on their other partners it creates feelings of injustice and confusion that harm all of the relationships involved. In the non-monogamy world people often talk about the value of all of us “owning our own shit” — owning our choices is part of that. When each person owns their own choices it improves metamour dynamics, increases feelings of mutual respect in each romantic partnership involved, and uplifts feelings of empowerment on the individual level.
Think of what a different picture it paints for someone to say, “If we continue dating I’ve made a decision not to stay overnight at your house because _______” rather than “my wife won’t let me stay overnight at your house”. That person’s reasons may be because they want to respect their wife’s feelings, because they feel a sense of obligation due to co-parenting, or to simply avoid conflict. Their reasons may also lead back to a sense of loyalty that’s been earned over time through many sweet moments and loving acts offered to them in the partnership they’re choosing to prioritize. Whatever their reasons, at the end of the day their choices are their own and it would benefit all parties involved for them to acknowledge that and foster insight into their authentic motivations.
“If people can identify their motivations in their decision making they can often trace their choices back to core values.”
If people can identify their motivations in their decision making they can often trace their choices back to core values. Are they being driven by compassion, empathy, family, loyalty, simplicity, peace, or some other fundamental values? If so, identifying that can often foster higher levels of understanding and acceptance (both internally and externally). It’s hard to argue with someone telling you that they’re choosing not to spend the night at your house because they desire to live with a sense of integrity by upholding their values of empathy and family. That choice may indicate incompatibility, but it’s not an instance of injustice. It’s an instance of mismatched desires, needs and/or values that may or may not be reconcilable.
Sometimes people also examine their motives and don’t end up at core values. That’s also very useful information. We humans tend to feel internal discomfort when we act in ways that are contrary to our values. Passing off responsibility for our decisions allows us to avoid facing those feelings of cognitive dissonance that can be powerful motivators in pushing us towards optimal fulfillment in our lives. It can also obscure core values differences in partnerships hindering people’s success in effectively figuring out solutions for navigating those differences.
In situations where metamours are, in fact, being manipulative shared partners are also more likely to take action in creating healthy shifts if they’re challenged to own their own agency within the unhealthy dynamic. After all, a victim mindset of being “made” to do certain things doesn’t tend to be an agent of empowerment for one to choose to do things differently. When we acknowledge that we are making the choices that shape our relationships, however, we must evaluate if those choices are ones we truly feel good about making. In instances where they’re not, increased ownership of that often organically inspires us to change course towards more authentic alignment.
“When our actions aren’t congruent with our values increased ownership often organically inspires us to change course towards more authentic alignment.”
When it comes down to it “my partner is making me xyz” statements most often indicate that the partner has made a request or expressed a clear boundary of not wanting to be in a relationship in which xyz occurs. The fact is — how one handles requests and boundaries of their partners comes down to choices they make of their own free will. I also frequently see people equate feelings to mechanisms of force even when requests or boundaries aren’t stated. For example, people often talk about not knowing that the “rules had changed” if they do something that was “allowed” and it still brings up difficult emotions for their partner(s). Let’s be clear: a feeling is not a rule or a request for changed actions. It’s just a feeling.
“In healthy relationships there should always be space for each person involved to express their needs, desires, feelings, and boundaries.”
In healthy relationships there should always be space for each person involved to express their needs, desires, feelings, and boundaries. If one’s partner(s) engaging in certain actions could or did cause pain, they owe it to themselves, their partner(s), and their relationship(s) to be authentic about that. Offering that information is not controlling a situation. It’s simply providing complete and accurate information that one’s partner(s) can use for their decision making processes. When requests or feelings are expressed in relationships people have to decide how they want to navigate them in tandem with their partner(s). That process does not have to lead to avoidance of behaviors that inspire difficult feelings. People have the agency to decide on a case-by-case basis what choices they think will be best in consideration of the circumstances and the perspectives of the individuals involved.
Reality Therapy, a treatment modality developed by Dr. William Glasser, is focused on this power we all have for making the choices that create our own realities. He encourages us all to accept full responsibility for the consequences of our own decisions. I believe his methods provide great value for creating healthy and sustainable non-monogamous relationship dynamics. Acknowledging our free will reminds us that we are the captains of our own ships. It also empowers our partners with more accurate information about our intentions, values, and priorities that can help them in best navigating their own journeys (AKA more ethical informed consent).
In curt recap - I strongly urge each of you to own your shit, own your choices, and expect that your lovers do the same. If you do I bet things will seem much less confusing out there on the open seas of love. So fair winds and following seas, mateys! I wish you all the best out there as you continue making the choices that will steer each of your loving adventures!
“Fair winds and following seas, mateys!
I wish you all the best out there as you continue making the choices that will steer each of your loving adventures!”