At a non-monogamy conference I attended recently a speaker asked, “How many of you can relate to the question, ‘But don’t you get jealous?” the room filled with raised hands. Then she asked, “and how many of you get jealous?” Most of the hands remained. None-the-less, I frequently have clients tell me they think they’re “bad at poly” because they feel this normal human emotion. Lately I’ve found myself pondering where the myth comes from that non-monogamous people should somehow magically not feel jealousy?
“Where does the myth come from that non-monogamous people
should somehow magically not feel jealousy? ”
My take is that it’s largely due to our frames of reference being so heavily influenced by expectations of monogamy. Mainstream dating experiences teach us that we should follow spoken and unspoken rules that help us avert difficult emotions, including jealousy (example: not talking to partners about crushes on other people). Society also generally applauds numbing such feelings through a multitude of other strategies, including consumerism, over working, and substance use. As a result people in our culture rarely have well developed coping skills for emotional regulation and distress tolerance by the time we reach adulthood. That skill deficit can become especially problematic when people venture into exploring non-monogamy.
“If you imagine jealousy as a barrier along a path the aforementioned rules serve to help people navigate around the barrier without coming into close contact with it. Non-monogamy, however, is a choice to climb it.”
You see, in deciding to explore non-monogamy people let many of the rules that promote avoidance of jealousy go. It’s a decision to journey off trail into rockier and less predictable territory that’s more likely to bring up challenging emotions. None-the-less, there’s a lot of pressure in that process for people to still move forward with the same balance and ease as they did on the clearly laid out path. It’s a catch 22 that doesn’t set people up for success. If you imagine situations that trigger jealousy as barriers along a path the aforementioned rules serve to help people navigate around the barriers without having to come into close contact with them. To explore non-monogamy, however, one has to climb them.
To be clear, the choice to go in for the climb or not isn’t about how many people one has sex with. There are many monogamous people who face jealousy directly and many non-monogamous ones who do everything they can to avoid it. The truth is, however, that the obstacle of avoiding it is much more difficult (potentially impossible) in the context of non-monogamy. Many would say that’s the greatest challenge of the lifestyle. The good news is that it’s also one of the greatest benefits, depending on perspective.
What we call “jealousy” tends to be anger, sadness, fear, or frustration in disguise. It’s often fueled by our own insecurities or ways that our desires aren’t being met in our relationships. Learning to assess and journey through those feelings can increase our self awareness in transformative ways that can ultimately lead to strengthened feelings of self worth and fulfillment. When we take the the focus away from how others can ease our jealousy externally to how we can heal it within ourselves it’s deeply empowering. Tuning into our feelings often shines light that can guide us in creating healthier boundaries, shifting our self talk in positive ways, advocating for our unmet needs, and inspiring us in creating the lives and loves we most truly desire.
The truth is that the emotion of jealousy is one that most of us humans experience no matter what relationship structures we engage in. The choice to be in non-monogamous relationships is not a choice to forego the fears and insecurities of the human experience. It’s simply a choice to conceptualize them and interact with them differently. When we stigmatize jealousy we empower shame and evoke a wide range of defense mechanisms that are harmful to our relationships. Jealousy in and of itself is not bad. If we own it in a mindful way we can choose to transform how it impacts our beings and our lives. With shifted perspective it can become a force of growth and good that can take us to higher ground. But you can’t get to higher ground without putting in some sincere effort.
“As an outdoor adventure lover I often remind myself that the most beautiful places I’ve ever been were also the most difficult to get to.”
When people choose to explore non-monogamy it’s important that they have realistic expectations that emotional challenges are likely to arise. As a woman who loves a good challenge I remind myself in those moments that the most beautiful places I’ve ever been were also the most difficult to get to. That sentiment rings true both for outdoor adventure and in adventures of love. There’s nothing that can fuel the momentum of personal growth quite like journeying through the rocky terrain of jealousy. The climb can be steep and grueling at times, but if you power through the crux of it the payoff can be vast. You just have to keep your eyes on the prize and remain hopeful that it you keep moving forward one step at a time you’ll make it to a place of insight where you can feel at peace.
“If you power through the crux of it the payoff can be vast.”