15 Winning Boundaries for Non-Monogamy (& Beyond)

Boundary Definition: 

An action or way of thinking/feeling that we can employ ourselves that honors the separateness of our own needs, desires, emotions, & experiences from those of others.

#1: Own your own feelings without saying someone else "made" you feel a certain way. Our feelings exist within us due to how our own internal worlds interact with external events. Any two randomly selected people would feel differently in response to the same situation. That shows that it is not the situation that creates the feelings. With clear emotional boundaries people can acknowledge their own feelings without being blaming towards others.

#2: Allow space for difficult feelings to arise for other people without getting defensive or taking on a disproportionate amount of blame due to guilt. Difficult feelings arise often when nobody has done anything wrong and interpersonal conflicts tend to be the meeting of multiple people’s stuff. Over-apologizing, perseverating on self blame, or justifying your actions can indicate room for growth with this.  Having loose boundaries between self & others in this way can make people feel bad for normal emotional reactions and/or put them on the defensive too.

#3: Make space for you and your partner(s) to feel different things at the same time. It’s common in non-monogamy for one partner to feel sad and anxious while the other is feeling elated with NRE with a new partner. It feels good to have our feelings validated, especially when we’re feeling really bad or really good...and it’s possible to validate other people’s feelings even when we don’t feel the same way at that moment. 

# 4: If someone judges you or doesn’t like you, don’t take it too personally. The vast majority of the time people’s judgements of others have a lot more to do with their own fears, insecurities, and projections. 

# 5: Don’t try to guess what other people are thinking, feeling, or needing. For example, if someone else is upset, don’t assume you know why. The best way to find out what’s going on for someone else is to directly ask them. 

# 6: Don’t expect mind reading. Your desires are much more likely to be met if you express them as directly and specifically as possible. The idea that it’s romantic for others to just know what you want is a myth perpetuated by fairytale versions of love in movies that does great harm to relationships. When we try to guess what others want we most often just project what we would want in their situation, which tends to be off base. 

# 7: Don’t get overly involved in your partner’s other relationships. Instead, try to clearly communicate what you desire to feel good in your own relationship and choose partners you can trust to consider your feelings/needs more often than not. If you feel that a partner is being mistreated in a different relationship (romantic, work, or otherwise) it can be loving to share your perception  with them honestly. It’s also healthy to respect their autonomy if their perception is different than yours and to separate yourself the best that you can from their relationship dynamics with others. 

# 8: Own your own choices and expect your partners to own theirs. Every choice we make in life comes with it’s own set of pros and cons. There are always reasons we each make the choices that we do. Non-monogamous relationships are much healthier when everyone owns those reasons & steers clear of saying “my other partner won’t let me do xyz…”.

# 9: Respect privacy boundaries by not reading conversations or oversharing private info without the consent of everyone involved. Reading a partner’s phone convos without permission isn’t upholding good integrity...and it often leaves people with difficult feelings that they’re too ashamed to process with their partners. It’s also not respectful to share personal convos you’ve had with others without their consent. 

# 10: Disentangle from the “we” mentality & doing everything together. Enmeshment makes it very difficult to have healthy non-monogamous relationships. If you default to doing everything together it will be hard to create space for new partners in a way that feels good. Things go much more smoothly when partners build separate time into their regular grooves so there’s actually space for new partners to fit into the mix. 

# 11: Don’t people please by not expressing your own desires or watering down your most potent sense of self due to what you think others desire from you. This is a sign of loose boundaries rooted in fear of rejection/abandonment. Ultimately, people pleasing pleases no one because it leads to built up resentments & ongoing relationship conflict. It’s much healthier when each party authentically shares their desires & negotiates from a place of authenticity so everyone’s desires/needs can be considered. 

# 12: Don’t triangulate with “he/she/they said” talk. It’s healthier to communicate directly with the people you’re talking about. When we process conflict about one partner with another partner or talk badly about a shared partner with a meta it creates unhealthy relationship dynamics within the system. You can learn more about this by researching “triangulation”, which is a key focus area of family systems therapy. 

# 13: Stick to your plans & continue doing things that feel nourishing to you on the individual level. When we have partners who have limited availability it can be tempting to hold space in case they unexpectedly become available or to change plans with others to accommodate their availability. Doing do tends to build up resentments over time & is a form of codependency. Privilege also tends to play a role in this with ciswomen being overly accommodating in this way so cismen can enjoy more flexibility. 

# 14: Don’t expect that unplanned time is owned by partners (shared parenting responsibilities being considered planned time). A default that unplanned time is free to be filled spontaneously tends to set non-monogamous dynamics up for more success because it allows people to engage in separate relationships more freely without permission seeking. For some people it can be helpful to coordinate at the beginning of each week to make plans for shared time, while leaving designated time that’s free. It’s a common misconception that non-monogamy is the more free spirited structure, in which people can go with the flow in multiple relationships. In reality, considering the needs of multiple partners requires intention and scheduling. If you’re wanting to explore non-monogamy and don’t have a calendaring system already, I highly recommend getting in a groove with one! 

# 15: Don’t put up strong defensive walls around yourself that cause you to deflect from emotional awareness, connect through emotional vulnerability, cut people out who you care about, strive to control others, or reject interpersonal feedback without sincere reflection. Having such rigid boundaries may seem like it offers you protection from being hurt, but it’s actually more likely to cause you to lose important relationships, to get bogged down by shame, and/or to feel emotionally isolated . Emotional vulnerability and availability are integral ingredients for sustaining meaningful intimate connections.

Don't Always Let Your Heart Be Your Guide

I realize this advice may seem contradictory within a musing on “vast love”. Nonetheless as a non-monogamy therapist and coach, I stand by this one through and through. 

Ample mental health research shows that fostering balance and control of our thoughts can have profoundly positive effects on mental wellness and health of relationships. When we let our emotions take the lead they can sometimes lead us astray down paths that won’t lead to our optimal happiness. Particularly in non-monogamous relationships, you must cultivate a keen understanding of emotions and how to balance them with practicality. 

In instances of ecstatic new relationship energy (or NRE) it’s an especially good idea not to let intense emotions guide our decisions. When we let strong emotions, unfettered by rational thought take full reign of our decision-making we risk making poor choices. Those choices can cause repercussions down the line that can sometimes be difficult to reconcile.

The excitement and energy during the beginning of a relationship can be a very pleasurable and joyful experience. I am not advocating to shut down those emotions, but to recognize when they occur and how to handle them so you can make relationship decisions that are best for you. Neuroscience research has demonstrated that falling in love has striking similarities to taking addictive drugs. When you fall in love, your brain releases chemicals that induce euphoric feelings. One of the chemicals is dopamine, which is released when we do things that feel good.

Falling in love activates the neural pathway that controls reward behavior1. This same pathway is highly active during a cocaine high. It makes falling in love such an intensely good and cravable feeling. Since it feels good, you want to keep feeling that way. And you can become highly focused on pursuing the object of your affection. 

You essentially start to crave the person you’re falling in love with like they are a drug. While these feelings are not inherently bad—you will be better equipped to handle these heightened emotions when you are aware of what is happening. Giving your emotions full control of the driver’s seat can lead to decisions that can be detrimental to your long-term happiness. You can over idealize your new partner, and set yourself up for disappointment in the future when they don’t  turn out to be quite what you built them up to be.

You may also start to feel anxious as you don’t want to lose that person who you crave so much, which can lead you to avoid red flags that show up in the beginning of a relationship. You may want to start making compromises that you’re not completely comfortable with because you don't want to disrupt the relationship (and the wonderful feelings associated).

Infatuation with a new partner can also lead to ignoring a longer term partner. When you’re swept away with a new relationship, you have to be sure to continue considering the feelings and needs of existing loved ones in your life. If you neglect existing relationships it can lead to longer-term partner(s) feeling taken for granted, ignored, and upset. When those feelings emerge it can hinder trust and security in non-monogamous dynamics long-term, often leading to the short-term rewards being far lesser than the long-term costs. 

Non-monogamous individuals may experience new relationship energy more often. That offers the opportunity to learn skills for navigating it with discernment and thoughtfulness. Experience can teach us how to keep the rush of feel good chemicals associated with NRE and “falling in love” in a grounded perspective. Learning to anticipate that onrush of good feelings and know how to deal with them is an often neglected non-monogamy skill that’s of utmost importance.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) provides evidence-based techniques for evaluating and altering potentially faulty thought patterns to increase the confidence and skills of our minds in taking the lead when needed (https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/patients-and-families/cognitive-behavioral). Learning to slow down and hone that ability can have tremendously positive impacts on our intimate interactions. 

This is especially true within the context of non-monogamy— which tends to swing us into more frequent and often more potent emotional ups and downs. Although CBT is most successful when facilitated by a therapist, it’s also methodical in a way that makes it accessible for self help contexts. And there are ample books out there you could use to strengthen these valuable skills on your own. The book “Thoughts and Feelings: Taking Control of Your Moods and Your Life” is an especially helpful book because it guides people in creating their own individualized CBT treatment plans (https://www.amazon.com/Thoughts-Feelings-Taking-Control-Moods/dp/1608822087).

One of the faulty thought patterns (also called cognitive distortions, or unhelpful thinking styles) is emotional reasoning (https://psychcentral.com/lib/15-common-cognitive-distortions/). It’s an especially important one to skillfully identify when it comes to relationships, non-monogamous or not. Emotional reasoning occurs when you believe your emotions are telling you that something you feel is true. When you use emotional reasoning, you’re telling yourself, “If I am feeling this way, then it must be real.” 

However, just because we feel a certain way does not make that reality. For example, you may feel anxious if your partner did not call you that evening, and begin to think that they don’t want to see you. Just because you feel anxious, it doesn’t not mean that your worry about your partner is what is actually happening. Feelings are not facts. 

Additionally, we may feel euphoric in a new relationship, that we think that those feelings or the relationship must last forever. However, if we think rationally, we know that just because we feel a certain way it does not mean that we can tell what will happen in the future. Making sure we don’t get swept up with our emotions starts with first recognizing the emotions we are feeling. This is where mindfulness techniques can really help raise your awareness of your emotions.

Mindfulness is at its core, nonjudgmental attention and awareness of what is happening in the present4. Mindfulness also teaches us to let go of attachments to outcomes. When we get swept away with our emotions, we start to tell ourselves a story of how we think things should be and turn out. We are attached to the emotions and outcomes. We might start having certain expectations of how our partner(s) should behave and where the relationship(s) will go. 

It’s normal to want a relationship to go well. It’s also incredibly hard when you are feeling the excitement of a new relationship to slow down to examine how your feelings are controlling your actions. But it doesn’t mean you have to suppress those exciting emotions. You just need to recognize they are happening and remember to meet those emotions with rational thinking. 

Recognizing the feelings you are having but not getting caught up in them will help ground yourself so you can think about what you really want. Emotional decision-making can lead to compromises that we don’t feel 100% comfortable with because we want to keep our potential partner happy, or are afraid of losing them. This can build a relationship that over time will erode your happiness and increase resentment. 

Mindfulness is not about diffusing the emotions, but developing the tools to ride those emotional waves in relationships, particularly the heightened and more frequent emotional waves that happen in non-monogamy. It can be hard to step back, especially when we feel extremely positive emotions. Being able to slow down and manage your positive emotions will empower you to manage the challenging emotions that will come further along in relationships.

If you are completely new to mindfulness, a good place to start is recognizing and labeling the emotions you feel throughout the day. If you’re looking for more resources and insights on mindfulness, I offer a mindfulness and expressive arts course at a very affordable rate. You can sign up for as low as $5 at “Courses.vast.love”. It’s a course I created with my friend Danielle White to support people during these difficult times.

In Summary

In summary, balance in life is key. Our feelings offer us valuable information that can help us in steering our life paths, but if we don’t balance our feelings with practicality and thoughtfulness they can definitely lead us off course. As life adventures forward I urge you to stay connected with your mind, your body, and your heart as you forge ahead one mindful step at a time.

How to Navigate the Seas of Open Love… If a Relationship is Being Controlled From the Outside

In my work as a non-monogamy therapist and coach I often hear things like, “My relationship with my boyfriend’s perfect except that his wife won’t let him spend the night at my house” or “my partner wants to come home to meet my family, but her husband won’t let her.” The hard truth in such situations, excluding instances of oppression and abuse, is that the person upholding those limits in their own relationship(s) is the one who’s ultimately choosing to do so. The choices to stay the night or meet that partner’s family are still available to these people. They’re simply assessing the needs and desires within their different relationships and deciding how they want to delineate their own time and energy accordingly.

Every choice we make in life comes with it’s own set of pros and cons . There are always reasons we each make the choices that we do. In the context of non-monogamy situations become much healthier and less confusing when each person owns those reasons. If you think of your relationship as a ship, it’s clear that the only people who can control the ship are the ones on board. Others can come over the radio to offer suggestions or requests, but barring instances of abuse, they don’t actually have any control. To avoid the illusion that people outside of a relationship are the ones controlling it’s course, my main recommendation is that we all uphold expectations that each individual in a given relationship own their own choices.

“The only people who can control the ship are the ones on board. Others can make suggestions on the radio, but they don’t actually have any control.”

When people abdicate responsibility for their own decisions by putting them off on their other partners it creates feelings of injustice and confusion that harm all of the relationships involved. In the non-monogamy world people often talk about the value of all of us “owning our own shit” — owning our choices is part of that. When each person owns their own choices it improves metamour dynamics, increases feelings of mutual respect in each romantic partnership involved, and uplifts feelings of empowerment on the individual level.

Think of what a different picture it paints for someone to say, “If we continue dating I’ve made a decision not to stay overnight at your house because _______” rather than “my wife won’t let me stay overnight at your house”. That person’s reasons may be because they want to respect their wife’s feelings, because they feel a sense of obligation due to co-parenting, or to simply avoid conflict. Their reasons may also lead back to a sense of loyalty that’s been earned over time through many sweet moments and loving acts offered to them in the partnership they’re choosing to prioritize. Whatever their reasons, at the end of the day their choices are their own and it would benefit all parties involved for them to acknowledge that and foster insight into their authentic motivations.

“If people can identify their motivations in their decision making they can often trace their choices back to core values.”

If people can identify their motivations in their decision making they can often trace their choices back to core values. Are they being driven by compassion, empathy, family, loyalty, simplicity, peace, or some other fundamental values? If so, identifying that can often foster higher levels of understanding and acceptance (both internally and externally). It’s hard to argue with someone telling you that they’re choosing not to spend the night at your house because they desire to live with a sense of integrity by upholding their values of empathy and family. That choice may indicate incompatibility, but it’s not an instance of injustice. It’s an instance of mismatched desires, needs and/or values that may or may not be reconcilable.

Sometimes people also examine their motives and don’t end up at core values. That’s also very useful information. We humans tend to feel internal discomfort when we act in ways that are contrary to our values. Passing off responsibility for our decisions allows us to avoid facing those feelings of cognitive dissonance that can be powerful motivators in pushing us towards optimal fulfillment in our lives. It can also obscure core values differences in partnerships hindering people’s success in effectively figuring out solutions for navigating those differences.

In situations where metamours are, in fact, being manipulative shared partners are also more likely to take action in creating healthy shifts if they’re challenged to own their own agency within the unhealthy dynamic. After all, a victim mindset of being “made” to do certain things doesn’t tend to be an agent of empowerment for one to choose to do things differently. When we acknowledge that we are making the choices that shape our relationships, however, we must evaluate if those choices are ones we truly feel good about making. In instances where they’re not, increased ownership of that often organically inspires us to change course towards more authentic alignment.

“When our actions aren’t congruent with our values increased ownership often organically inspires us to change course towards more authentic alignment.”

When it comes down to it “my partner is making me xyz” statements most often indicate that the partner has made a request or expressed a clear boundary of not wanting to be in a relationship in which xyz occurs. The fact is — how one handles requests and boundaries of their partners comes down to choices they make of their own free will. I also frequently see people equate feelings to mechanisms of force even when requests or boundaries aren’t stated. For example, people often talk about not knowing that the “rules had changed” if they do something that was “allowed” and it still brings up difficult emotions for their partner(s). Let’s be clear: a feeling is not a rule or a request for changed actions. It’s just a feeling.

“In healthy relationships there should always be space for each person involved to express their needs, desires, feelings, and boundaries.”

In healthy relationships there should always be space for each person involved to express their needs, desires, feelings, and boundaries. If one’s partner(s) engaging in certain actions could or did cause pain, they owe it to themselves, their partner(s), and their relationship(s) to be authentic about that. Offering that information is not controlling a situation. It’s simply providing complete and accurate information that one’s partner(s) can use for their decision making processes. When requests or feelings are expressed in relationships people have to decide how they want to navigate them in tandem with their partner(s). That process does not have to lead to avoidance of behaviors that inspire difficult feelings. People have the agency to decide on a case-by-case basis what choices they think will be best in consideration of the circumstances and the perspectives of the individuals involved.

Reality Therapy, a treatment modality developed by Dr. William Glasser, is focused on this power we all have for making the choices that create our own realities. He encourages us all to accept full responsibility for the consequences of our own decisions. I believe his methods provide great value for creating healthy and sustainable non-monogamous relationship dynamics. Acknowledging our free will reminds us that we are the captains of our own ships. It also empowers our partners with more accurate information about our intentions, values, and priorities that can help them in best navigating their own journeys (AKA more ethical informed consent).

In curt recap - I strongly urge each of you to own your shit, own your choices, and expect that your lovers do the same. If you do I bet things will seem much less confusing out there on the open seas of love. So fair winds and following seas, mateys! I wish you all the best out there as you continue making the choices that will steer each of your loving adventures!

“Fair winds and following seas, mateys!

I wish you all the best out there as you continue making the choices that will steer each of your loving adventures!”

But Don't You Get Jealous? Oh Yeah...Bring it!

At a non-monogamy conference I attended recently a speaker asked, “How many of you can relate to the question, ‘But don’t you get jealous?” the room filled with raised hands. Then she asked, “and how many of you get jealous?” Most of the hands remained. None-the-less, I frequently have clients tell me they think they’re “bad at poly” because they feel this normal human emotion. Lately I’ve found myself pondering where the myth comes from that non-monogamous people should somehow magically not feel jealousy? 

“Where does the myth come from that non-monogamous people
should somehow magically not feel jealousy? ”

My take is that it’s largely due to our frames of reference being so heavily influenced by expectations of monogamy. Mainstream dating experiences teach us that we should follow spoken and unspoken rules that help us avert difficult emotions, including jealousy (example: not talking to partners about crushes on other people). Society also generally applauds numbing such feelings through a multitude of other strategies, including consumerism, over working, and substance use. As a result people in our culture rarely have well developed coping skills for emotional regulation and distress tolerance by the time we reach adulthood. That skill deficit can become especially problematic when people venture into exploring non-monogamy.

“If you imagine jealousy as a barrier along a path the aforementioned rules serve to help people navigate around the barrier without coming into close contact with it. Non-monogamy, however, is a choice to climb it.”

You see, in deciding to explore non-monogamy people let many of the rules that promote avoidance of jealousy go. It’s a decision to journey off trail into rockier and less predictable territory that’s more likely to bring up challenging emotions. None-the-less, there’s a lot of pressure in that process for people to still move forward with the same balance and ease as they did on the clearly laid out path. It’s a catch 22 that doesn’t set people up for success. If you imagine situations that trigger jealousy as barriers along a path the aforementioned rules serve to help people navigate around the barriers without having to come into close contact with them. To explore non-monogamy, however, one has to climb them.

To be clear, the choice to go in for the climb or not isn’t about how many people one has sex with. There are many monogamous people who face jealousy directly and many non-monogamous ones who do everything they can to avoid it. The truth is, however, that the obstacle of avoiding it is much more difficult (potentially impossible) in the context of non-monogamy. Many would say that’s the greatest challenge of the lifestyle. The good news is that it’s also one of the greatest benefits, depending on perspective. 

What we call “jealousy” tends to be anger, sadness, fear, or frustration in disguise. It’s often fueled by our own insecurities or ways that our desires aren’t being met in our relationships. Learning to assess and journey through those feelings can increase our self awareness in transformative ways that can ultimately lead to strengthened feelings of self worth and fulfillment. When we take the the focus away from how others can ease our jealousy externally to how we can heal it within ourselves it’s deeply empowering. Tuning into our feelings often shines light that can guide us in creating healthier boundaries, shifting our self talk in positive ways, advocating for our unmet needs, and inspiring us in creating the lives and loves we most truly desire.

The truth is that the emotion of jealousy is one that most of us humans experience no matter what relationship structures we engage in. The choice to be in non-monogamous relationships is not a choice to forego the fears and insecurities of the human experience. It’s simply a choice to conceptualize them and interact with them differently. When we stigmatize jealousy we empower shame and evoke a wide range of defense mechanisms that are harmful to our relationships. Jealousy in and of itself is not bad. If we own it in a mindful way we can choose to transform how it impacts our beings and our lives. With shifted perspective it can become a force of growth and good that can take us to higher ground. But you can’t get to higher ground without putting in some sincere effort.

“As an outdoor adventure lover I often remind myself that the most beautiful places I’ve ever been were also the most difficult to get to.”

When people choose to explore non-monogamy it’s important that they have realistic expectations that emotional challenges are likely to arise. As a woman who loves a good challenge I remind myself in those moments that the most beautiful places I’ve ever been were also the most difficult to get to. That sentiment rings true both for outdoor adventure and in adventures of love. There’s nothing that can fuel the momentum of personal growth quite like journeying through the rocky terrain of jealousy. The climb can be steep and grueling at times, but if you power through the crux of it the payoff can be vast. You just have to keep your eyes on the prize and remain hopeful that it you keep moving forward one step at a time you’ll make it to a place of insight where you can feel at peace.

“If you power through the crux of it the payoff can be vast.”

Free Your Mind with CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy): 10 Helpful Questions for Non-monogamy & Beyond!

In my work with clients I frequently utilize Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) techniques for helping people restructure thought patterns that aren’t best serving them. At first CBT takes a good bit of thought. Then once we internalize desired patterns of thinking they can start to flow automatically freeing our minds of critical and negative self talk that has kept us down rather than lifting us up. One CBT intervention is called “Socratic questioning”, which is basically just a fancy way to say that one is looking for evidence that supports or disproves thoughts.

Below are 10 examples of questions that can serve that purpose. I’ve also shared examples of potential automatic thoughts and alternate perspectives for each one. An automatic thought is one that we jump to initially due to our own mental templates of how we believe ourselves, others, and the world to be. If we find that those templates aren’t best serving us ample research shows that we humans are capable of re-training our brains to learn alternate perspectives that can positively shift how we experience our lives. Asking ourselves questions like the ones below is an important part of actualizing that goal.

1) Am I confusing a thought/feeling with a fact?

Just because we think or feel something doesn’t mean it’s true. It’s always good to for us to assess the objective evidence we have to back up thoughts/feelings to make sure we aren’t jumping to any conclusions before letting our thoughts motivate our behaviors.

Automatic thought: My metamour (a partner’s other partner) didn’t talk to me at the party. She must have negative feelings towards me.

Alternate perspective: It’s true that my metamour didn’t talk to me at the party, but it’s quite possible it had nothing to do with me. Perhaps they didn’t have a good day and weren’t feeling up to socializing beyond their good friends.

2) Could the situation be impacted by projections?

We humans filter our experiences through our existing expectations and views of the world. It’s always good to slow down and ask ourselves if past experiences, insecurities, or existing beliefs we have about the world could be coloring our perceptions of our interactions with others.

*** This one can also be helpful in the reverse. Often times people are the most judgmental of other people’s lifestyles when their feelings are being motivated by projections. Keeping that in mind can help us to take judgments from others less personally.***

Automatic thought: My partner’s been having sex with another person regularly. That means they’ll clearly start wanting to spend more time together and get more “seriously”  involved.

Alternate perspective: Just because the societal narrative is for people to move up the relationship escalator when we have sex that doesn’t mean people have to do that. Many people enjoy having regular sex with others without desiring increased time or typical relationship entanglements with them.

3) Might other people have different interpretations of this same situation?

Sometimes we can get tunnel vision and have trouble envisioning outside perspectives. It can help if we try to imagine how other people may view the same situation.

Automatic Thought: He didn’t respond to my text messages all day long. He must not be as interested in me as he used to be.

Alternate Perspective: The other person may just be busy or need some down time to recharge before connecting again because they’re introverted.

4) Am I looking at all the evidence or just the things that support my existing thoughts?

Social psychology research has shown that we humans have a tendency towards confirmation bias. We tend to look for evidence that supports things we already believe. It can be really eye opening to flip that script by intentionally looking for evidence to the contrary of our existing beliefs.

Automatic thought: That person clearly isn’t very into me because they haven’t liked or commented on any of my social media posts.

Alternate Perspective: Zooming out to look at contrary evidence one may realize that the person doesn’t seem to be active on social media in general and that they have invited them to multiple events recently indicating potential interest.

5) Did someone pass this thought/belief to me? If so, are they a reliable source? Could that other view be skewed or lacking important information?

Sometimes others pass their beliefs along directly like telling a friend that their partner must not be that into them if they haven’t “popped the question”...and sometimes thoughts/beliefs are ingrained in us by society over many years like the view that people who get married are somehow more likely to sustain relationships longer than people who choose not to get married.

Automatic thought: My friend’s boyfriend just proposed to her. Their relationship must be more meaningful than mine since my boyfriend hasn’t proposed.

Alternate Perspective: Statistics on the divorce rate clearly show that marriage doesn’t necessarily correlate with dependable commitment. The important thing is how healthy each relationship is, not whether it’s formalized through marriage.

6) Am I thinking in all-or-nothing terms?

Nearly everything is relative. If you catch yourself using extreme language in your thoughts and statements (always/never, everything/nothing, etc) it’s good to slow down and get things in a more balanced perspective.

Automatic thought: My boyfriend never wants to have sex with me anymore.

Alternate Perspective: My boyfriend’s been really busy and stressed at work lately. It’s been a couple weeks since we’ve had sex. I should probably mention to him that it’s beginning to feel like a problem for me.

7) Am I condemning myself or someone else as a total person on the basis of a single event?

Sometimes we can generalize negative things as representations of our or other people’s characters rather than seeing them as isolated events within a bigger picture. Try to catch yourself if you ever extrapolate situations to judge the character of yourself or others.

Automatic thought: I was so awkward on that date. I’m not capable of online dating.

Alternate perspective: The fact that I felt awkward on that date just means I wasn’t compatible with that person, not that he or I suck at online dating in general. It’s still likely we can both have success with other people.

8) Am I concentrating disproportionately on negative qualities of my character without uplifting strengths of my character?

If you catch yourself being critical of yourself I encourage you to balance that out by focusing on your strengths. In fact, it’s likely that the very quality you’re being hard on yourself for is also a strength since strong qualities in our personalities tend to be both in different circumstances.

Automatic thought: I’m so flakey and scatter-brained.

Alternate perspective: The flip side of that coin is that I’m spontaneous and imaginative, which are qualities people enjoy about me too. It’s normal to be a mixed bag of character challenges and strengths. My true friends accept me for both.

9) Am I taking something personally that likely has little or nothing to do with me?

If you notice that you’re taking something personally ask yourself if it’s possible that it could have absolutely nothing to do with you.

Automatic thought: I was chatting with that person on OkCupid and they ghosted me. I wonder what I said that turned them off?

Alternate perspective: Bummer that person stopped chatting with me because they seemed like a cool person. I wonder if their life may have gotten too busy for online dating for some reason?

10) Am I being as compassionate with myself as I would be towards a good friend or am I being disproportionately hard on myself?

It’s often much easier for us to be compassionate with others than it is for us to be compassionate with ourselves. Next time you’re being hard on yourself I encourage you to think of what you would tell a friend in the same situation. Then try to be your own friend.

Automatic thought: I’m so pathetic and selfish. I wasted my whole night being anxious last night and I should have been feeling happy for my partner.

Alternate perspective: It’s a totally normal human response for people to struggle at first when their partners go on dates with other people. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

Now I challenge you to choose three of these questions that resonate with you and come up with examples from your own experiences and to ask yourself some “socratic questions” next time you’re having thoughts that are causing you distress. Perhaps you’ll find they’re off base and be able to shift your thinking in a way that will better serve you. Ready, Set….Go!

Secure Attachment Beyond Coupledom: Strategies for Non-monogamy & Beyond

If you’re not familiar with attachment theory it could be helpful for you to read my last article “Attachment theory for Non-monogamy & Beyond: Getting Outside the Bubble” before diving into this one. In that article I explain what attachment styles are and that they’ve been found to be malleable over time. That’s right - modern neuroscience findings now prove that we humans are indeed capable of shifting from insecure to secure attachment in adulthood. Now, in this article I’ll be addressing the popular burning question - How can we work towards actualizing that shift?

If you look to popular literature on the topic you’ll find assertions that we must experience secure pair bonded relationships in order to reprogram our brains in this way. But what about those of us who aren’t partnered or who choose to have multiple partners? Is there hope for us as well? My answer to that is - Yes, absolutely! We must recognize that attachment theory originated within the context of Western culture. Thus it’s most widely accepted findings to date are surely skewed towards Western values (including monogamy, individualism, and nuclear family structures).

Cross cultural research has found that while insecure and secure attachment styles do appear to exist universally across cultures the presumed causes, rates, and presentations of them vary culturally. For instance, in many collectivist cultures it’s been found that aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents can serve as secure bases for children in addition to parental figures. It’s also been found that therapists can serve as attachment figures for their clients. With the knowledge that we’re capable of forming attachment bonds in various types of relationships it seems clearly short-sighted to continue asserting that monogamous dyads are crucial for healing attachment wounds.

Whether someone is monogamously partnered, single, solo, open, or poly I feel strongly that uplifting qualities of security in our relationships more broadly than coupledom has the power to expand our capacities for secure living and loving. Amir Levine, MD (author of “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it can Help You Find & Keep Love”) identified 5 key elements of security: Consistency, Availability, Reliability, Responsiveness, and Predictability. Mainstream suggestions for fostering secure attachment focus on uplifting these qualities in our romantic relationships. It’s suggested that we form “couple bubbles” with our partners and make them our “go to person”. Suggestions of that nature are clearly biased towards monogamy with a proposition of an us against the world mentality. What I propose is a shift towards an us with the world mindset.

If strongly upholding the security building values of consistency, availability, reliability, responsiveness, and predictability in just one relationship in our lives has such healing power, imagine the power we can harness if we uphold those values in even more relationships! Below are 10 suggestions for ways we can do just that. I’ll also be writing follow up articles backing each suggestion up with clinical findings and research in the neuroscience of human relationships. Stay tuned if you find yourself curious for more details.

1) Create Rituals to Honor Friendships & Community

In Western culture it’s common for us to honor our romantic relationships and nuclear family connections through celebrating anniversaries, holidays, and other rituals. Why not create security building traditions of that nature in our friendships and communities as well? The above photo is of a 10 year anniversary party two of my friends had, in which they read vows of commitment to one another. Honoring our friendships so sincerely is a great way to increase security in our non-sexual relationships and create secure bases within our communities that can help us feel more steady through this wild ride of life.

2) Consistency of time

In mainstream romantic partnerships people tend to organically develop some consistency of time in their relationships, especially if they live with their partners. Couples may eat meals together at certain times, engage in shared hobbies that meet with regularity, habitually watch certain shows together., or have shared patterns around sleeping/waking times. Based on research in attachment promoting consistency in our relationships is important for creating feelings of security. With intention we can infuse similar aspects of consistency into our relationships more broadly through men’s groups, standing date nights with non-nesting partners, or certain activities we share with others in regularity like trivia nights.

3) Utilize & Encourage Self Soothing Coping Skills

Research shows that insecure attachment reactions are strongly linked to fear responses in our brains. There are many self soothing coping skills that have been proven to de-activate the stress and fear systems of our brains, on a neurobiological level. In addition to fostering security in our relationships we can also increase control over insecure attachment reactions through learning self soothing strategies that are evidence-based for counteracting our fear responses, such as mindfulness, vagus nerve stimulation, exercise, and promotion of oxytocin release. We can also support friends in strengthening these skills too by practicing them together, modeling them, and reminding friends to use them during stressful times if they forget.

4) Learn your friend’s love languages

Gary Chapman developed the concept of “Love languages”, which has helped countless people in romantic relationships learn how to best give and receive love to their partners. If we prioritize learning the love languages of our friends as well we can show up for them even more fully and help them feel even more loved. We can also teach them our love languages to create bonds that help us feel even more loved too! Learn your love language here:

www.5lovelanguages.com

5) Create a System of Support

It’s understandable that within the context of our busy lives we can’t be there for our friends every time they need us. None-the-less, if we create an intentional system of support we can settle into feelings of security that we’ll likely have someone who can show up for us in times of need. If we create a rotation of support with friends we can ask others if they have the bandwidth to help at the moment. If not, we can call on another friend with an understanding that if nobody else can help we’ll likely be going back around our list to ask friends if they can help us find someone who is available. As part of a team effort we can work towards ensuring that everyone in the system can take care of themselves while also taking care of each other.

6) Stimulate oxytocin release in your brain through non-sexual touch

Touch is one of the best ways to stimulate the release of oxytocin. Hugging friends, exchanging massages with friends, cuddling with animals, and getting professional spa treatments involving touch are all great non-sexual ways to stimulate oxytocin release. We can also release oxytocin by sharing touch with ourselves through masturbation or self massage. Research shows that oxytocin has a multitude of positive health benefits for us, including lowering cortisol levels, lowering heart rates, decreasing blood pressure, and increasing feelings of calm. That means that it is a great way to counteract the biological fear responses of insecure attachment.

7) Include your friends in conversations about big life decisions

It’s culturally normative for people to consider their romantic partners in making big decisions like moving across the country. Often times, however, we fail to include our friends in those conversations or consider how those shifts could affect those relationships. The rate at which people relocate these days can lead to friendships feeling tenuous and unreliable. But it doesn’t have to be that way! Instead we can make agreements with certain friends to engage in conversations about major life decisions before making them, which could help us feel more comfortable leaning into those relationships as bases of security in our lives.

8) Connect with a Therapist or Support Group

It’s well-accepted that the relationships between therapists and clients are a core healing agent of therapy. In consideration of the security building qualities Amir Levine identified: consistency, availability, reliability, responsiveness, and predictability that makes perfect sense. Typically when we connect with therapists or support groups we know that support is likely to be available to us at scheduled times in a consistent and predictable format. The steadiness of those connections may be even more healing than the content of our communications in regards to shifting of attachment styles.

9) Foster multiple “go to” relationships

Instead of seeking feelings of dependability through making one romantic partner your “go to person” I recommend that you nurture multiple “go to relationships”. That means both diversifying the people you reach out to when you need support and showing up for others when they reach out to you. Different people have different skill sets so diversifying in this way increases the chances that you’ll have someone to reach out to who’s an ideal fit for what you need at any given time.

10) Join a team or get into a hobby that fosters regular connection with others

Teams, clubs, hobbies, and participation in religious communities can create especially strong bonds because they inherently offer consistency, availability, and predictability. You can know what to expect in regards to frequency of connections with those people and can have an idea of what the interactions are likely to entail when you do see them. The nature of team oriented activities also often creates ritual and feelings of group cohesion that can inspire feelings of a chosen family.

Now I Challenge You…

Email ideas to: Anna@vast.love

Attachment Theory for Non-monogamy & Beyond: Getting Outside the Bubble

Attachment bonds are integral to this human experience we share. We evolved in tribes and thus our brains are social organs that respond on a neurobiological level to our interactions with others. One way neuroscience research has found this to be true is that signals of potential rejection or abandonment tend to affect our brain chemistry similarly to if we were facing a lion in the wilderness - sending us into fight-or-flight survival mode. That served us well when we were likely to die without our tribal connections. Unfortunately, it’s an evolutionary adaptation that’s a bit outdated and tends to cause us more trouble than good these days.

Have you ever acted in a way you weren’t proud of when facing fears of rejection or pushed someone away who you were scared may reject you? In the context of modern love that’s how we fight-or-flight. When our fear responses are activated we’re also inclined to make snap judgments - a tendency that’s useful in actual life or death situations, yet often damaging in the context of romantic conflict. What’s more is that our early childhood experiences determine how sensitive our brains become to fear activation.

John Bowlby, the psychoanalyst who pioneered attachment theory, hypothesized that attachment is all about us seeking emotional regulation and feelings of safety in times of perceived danger. He purported that our attachment and fear systems are intricately connected. Mary Ainsworth at the University of Virginia then expanded on his theory to identify three primary attachment styles that have since been proven to be universal across cultures: secure, insecure-avoidant, insecure-anxious (with a fourth rare style – disorganized). Then further down the road in Louis Cozolino’s book “The Neurobiology of Human Relationships: Attachment and the Developing Social Brain” he detailed neuroscience research that proves “beyond irrefutably” that these attachment styles stabilize in our neural circuitry by the time we’re 12 - 18 months dependent on the responsiveness of our early caregivers.

Attachment Styles:

Secure: If our caregivers are responsive to our distress in those early days we learn that we’re worthy of our needs getting met and that we can depend on other people to meet them. With that mindset our fear responses are less sensitive to activation. We also tend to be more comfortable expressing our needs clearly and forming interdependent bonds in intimate relationships.

Insecure - Anxious/Avoidant: If our caregivers were not responsive to our distress or we experienced early traumas, however, we’re likely to learn that we must be hypervigilant in order to make sure our needs are met. We become distrustful of others and assume that we can’t depend on them to meet our needs. This causes us to become hypervigilant and alters the fear systems of our brains on a neurobiological level increasing the sensitivity and intensity of fear responses. I conceptualize anxious individuals as people who are more likely to respond to that fear in fight mode and avoidant types as the more flight oriented ones. In relationships fighting can look like outward expressions of anger or less direct tactics of trying to get needs met; whereas flight looks like withdrawal from connection.

The good news is that research in “neural plasticity” has proven that those of us with insecure attachment have the capability of shifting our brains towards security in our adult years. We, humans, are super adaptable creatures! In the same way that our brains can initially adapt to unhealthy situations, they can also adapt back in healthier ways. It’s not an easy thing to do - but with dedication, patience, compassion (for self and from others), and sustained effort people with insecure attachment can learn to have more discernment and control in relation to their fear responses - a phenomenon often termed “earned secure attachment”.

Nearly all of the research around how we can achieve that goal has been done in the context of monogamous dyadic relationships. That research has shown that it’s very important to foster security in one’s relationships to create this shift. That makes sense seeing as the fears of rejection that trigger these responses inherently involve other people. It also makes sense because the attachment chemical oxytocin has been proven to calm our fear systems on a neurobiological level and it is released most strongly through connection with others.  If you’re single or non-monogamous, however, don’t fret! Much of the research related to fostering secure attachment can be applied to forming healing relationships beyond the romantic dyadic context if we open our minds (and our hearts)!

Amir Levine, the author of the book “Attached: The new science of adult attachment - and how we can find and keep love” uses the acronym CARRP to help people remember the main qualities he’s identified bring security to relationships - consistency availability, reliability, responsiveness, and predictability. In Stan Tatkin’s book “Wired for Love: How Understanding your partner’s brain and attachment style can help you defuse conflict and build a healthy relationship” he stresses the importance of forming “couple bubbles” to serve those functions. But it seems clear to me that with creativity we can infuse those qualities into our relationships more broadly. Let’s get real - if you could choose one person or a whole team of people to stand behind you for a free fall which would you choose? I know I’m definitely going with the team!

“If you could choose one person or a whole team of people to stand behind you for a free fall which would you choose? I know I’m definitely going with the team!”

According to the mainstream view of relationships we’re supposed to be stuck in a bubble with one person to meet all of our security needs. Of course that’s scary! Society teaches us that we’ll feel complete and less lonely once we find “our one” and get in our bubble with them. The truth is, however, that the narrative of coupledom is often quite isolating. When we visualize coupled people being in a bubble that separates them from connection with others it’s easy to see why that’s the case. Perhaps what we actually need is to pop those bubbles and look beyond them for our senses of belonging.

By letting go of the cultural myth of our “one true love” we can shift our energy to finding our many loves through community - whether we’re non-monogamous or not. Breaking free of those couple bubbles can allow us to foster consistency, availability, reliability, responsiveness, and predictability in our lives through a network of love that can be stronger than the support any one person could ever offer. Expanding our support systems in this way can benefit us all by allowing us to settle into feelings of security in our lives that aren’t fully dependent on our romantic relationships. If we can feel assured that we’ll be held no matter what we can navigate our adventures of love with more steady and less fearful strides.

Through fostering strong connections with community we can actually attain both higher levels of freedom and higher levels of security at the same time. When we know we’ve got loved one’s out there who can catch us if we fall we can feel more free to fly. We can take big risks, go out on limbs, and explore with our whole hearts if we feel confident that we have a network of support we can lean into if those limbs or our hearts get broken. We can also show up for others to be that support for them with less pressure if we know that we can tap out and step up as needed with confidence that our loved ones will have support either way. There’s a reason people say “it takes a village”. It’s because it does - and that’s true for nurturing us humans of all ages!

Approach with Curiosity

Free Your Mind of Projections ~

Instead Ask Questions…

Our brains are masterful collectors of data, soaking up information like sponges and using it to create mental templates for how we interpret the world around us. In that process we often fall into the trap of assuming that other people’s motivations and desires are the same or similar to our own. When we do this it’s called projection. By slowing down and approaching situations with curiosity it’s amazing how many projections we can catch ourselves making and how beneficial that increased awareness can be for our relationships. Curiosity is one of the most valuable assets we have for fostering authentic connection! By staying connected with our senses of wonder we can break through to truly see and be present with others.

“The most striking example of curiosity bettering one of my relationships was when I finally asked a partner...”

The most striking example of curiosity bettering one of my relationships was when I finally asked a partner what he was thinking when he left the room while I was crying. Directly asking him what he was thinking in taking that action helped debunk my false assumption that he was being uncaring. By getting curious I learned that when he’s sad he prefers to be left alone to process his feelings and that he was trying to be supportive in offering me that space. Then we were able to break down projections on both sides to learn how to more effectively support one another.

Shift into a Sense of Wonder…

Next time you’re in an emotional moment with a loved one I challenge you to shift into a sense of wonder. I bet if you do projections will be illuminated that can better your relationship(s). If you notice physiological signs of fear in yourself (increased heart rate, faster breathing, sweating, & obsessive thinking) this tip is even more important! Our emotional systems evolved to make speedy judgments when afraid so we can identify threats and take action quickly. Unfortunately, that long acquired snap judgment skill tends to be problematic in romantic relationships. By being mindful of this we can intentionally slow down in moments of fear to ask questions that can help us formulate more accurate perceptions of situations.

“In addition to being educational and positive for our relationships, freeing our minds to tap into our childlike senses of wonder can also be quite fun! ”

In summary -  my suggestion is that you practice slowing down, getting curious, and communicating directly about your curiosities.  Often times the messages we think we’re receiving from others through body language and behavior are being drastically misinterpreted once filtered through our own mental biases. Clear verbal or written communication will always be superior to hinting, implying, and assuming. In addition to being educational and positive for our relationships, freeing our minds to tap into our childlike senses of wonder can also be quite fun! Now it’s your turn to give it a try!

Activity Challenge:

Next time you have an emotional moment with a loved one I encourage you to imagine you’re an alien sent to figure out what’s going on in their mind. Let go of a sense of knowing and get curious instead. What are some questions you could ask to test out assumptions you recognize yourself making?

In getting curious it's possible your assumptions will be proved correct. If you’re jumping to conclusions about other people’s motivations without checking in with them, however, it’s honestly more likely that you’re projecting. Either way, if you ask questions to test out your assumptions you’ll likely learn some valuable info about yourself, your loved one, and the situation - allowing you to behave in a more informed and less emotionally reactive manner. You’ll also likely find that the reactions you get from others when taking this approach will be less defensive and more open allowing you to work more effectively as a team in seeking win/win solutions.

Badass & Off the Beaten Path: Sarah Elsie (AKA Ms. WildJoy)

MEET SARAH ELSIE (AKA MS. WILDJOY)

I absolutely adore this woman! She’s a fiery, badass babe for sure! She’s the kind of woman that rocks the dichotomies of being human in such sweet harmony. She’s peaceful, yet powerful. Dedicated, yet free. Deeply caring, while also unfettered by all the societal BS that can weigh us down. This is an interview about liberation, resilience, and awakening. She’ll take you on a journey of deeply rooted grounding and of rising up in full abandon all in one soulful read. Get ready to be vigorously moved, while not moving at all…

Anna:

How would you describe this life path you’re forging that’s off trail and into the wild?

“It’s a liberation path.

A

path of passion

where

pleasure heals.”

Sarah:

It’s a liberation path. A path of passion where pleasure heals. I go where my soul wants me to go. I do what my heart tells me to do. Every bit of me is devoted to the liberation of my own human experience. It’s twisted sometimes and brutally beautiful but every stone along the way is precious to me. I’ve been called many times an empath, a psychic, a witchy woman, a teacher, and a healer among other things. Although I personally don’t like to lean too much into vocabulary of identity, I do understand when people say those things and I appreciate what they’re sentiments.

I’m not sure that I could call my path anything at all but I know I’m on it because it would be impossible not to be. I’m a person who’s experienced a considerable amount of traumas and challenges, yet not a single day goes by where I don’t consider myself to have it pretty peachy. I just keep going and I let my feet be moved by what has changed within me along the way. One of my longtime teachers calls that resilience . At some point I made the decision that I would rather navigate the oceans of suffering and contrast than hang out in the harbor because the eternal horizons of liberation called to me and I felt compelled to respond.

Anna:

I see posts on your Facebook page about “WildJoy Living Art” and I’m so intrigued. Do tell us more about that...

Sarah:

WildJoy Living Art has become the phrase to describe both what I’m doing and who I am. I’m a multidisciplinary artist, Licensed Massage Therapist, Intuitive consultant, and alternatively schooling mother to two magical children. I say alternatively schooling because homeschooling doesn’t accurately describe what we do and whenever I use the term unschooling people get really confused . Unschooling is a very real thing though and I reference the work of John Holt often along our journey into the world of emergent curriculum and experiential learning.

When I made the decision to pull my kids from mainstream school I also resigned from my job at a luxury spa to focus on my personal healing practices, which include healing from all systems and institutions that harm more than benefit my family or myself. Now I  extend those practices into the world in various offerings through my business that intersects the esoteric arts , the healing arts and multimedia artistic creation.

So we ARE WildJoy Living Art because we are all healers and we heal ourselves simply by the lives that we lead. You see, authenticity is the medicine. My business IS WildJoy Living Art for the same reasons. If I am a healer it is because I am a woman who is healing herself and I choose to carry that story forward to share it with the world. I am inviting everyone in to see how I decided that my process is all I have to claim, in order to welcome others to claim the processes of their lives too.

“I am inviting everyone in to see how I decided that my process is all I have to claim, in order to welcome others to claim the processes of their lives too.”

Anna:

My curiosity’s piqued about unschooling. In a culture that stresses the importance of mainstream education so strongly deciding to forego that with your kids is such a brave decision. What were the main reasons you decided to take that leap?

Sarah:

Well, I’m always telling my kids that they’re powerful creators and that they have to take responsibility for their unique gifts by creating their reality and boy did I ever get called out one evening by them. They used to go to public school and one evening my son who at the time was finishing 2nd grade says to me “You say that I create my own reality but I don’t. All day I’m crammed into this building with hundreds of kids that don’t even like me and it doesn’t feel safe or right to me...I don’t want to be doing this with my life every day. This is not how I want to live.”

Damn! That put me eye to eye with my own shit talking for sure! Walk you walk mama! I had to! So two years ago, shortly after this tearful conversation with my son I made some big, radical changes for us.  The compulsory education system just isn’t in alignment with a life of liberation as we see it so we opted out.

Anna:

Of all the people I know I’d say you’re a top contender for giving the least fucks. Does that seem true to you?

Sarah:

I used to joke about making a pamphlet titled “How to care a lot and not give a fuck” and probably should add that to my 2019 body of work. It’s funny because people who know me will probably tell you that I don’t give a fuck about so many things like my reputation or staying inside the lines, but I am also a person who cares deeply about the world.

I care about where you hurt and I am deeply committed to offering bold encouragement, insight, and bearing witness to others along the way. Both of these truths about me probably are born out of the contrast I’ve experienced in my own life. In fact, everything so far has really just been more confirmation that I wasn’t born to follow or fit into the existing paradigm.

Anna:

When I first met you I was smitten that you were a Roller Derby girl. Do you think your time in the Derby helped you in letting go of some of the fucks you’ve freed yourself from along the way?

Sarah:

Yes! Yes! Yes! I’m a survivor of multiple traumas, including getting violently assaulted in my early 20’s. I raged for a number of years and when Derby emerged I found a healthy home for my aggression and a network of other womxn that valued strength, courage and being aggressive. In the early days of Derby we really embraced our derby personas and I became known as The Red Vag of CouRAGE, a play off of the book title The Red Badge of Courage.

Nashville was so affectionate towards me and fully embraced wearing homemade Vag patches which were these red canvas triangles with a hand painted eyeball in the middle and on the back three words: Vision, Humor, Vagina. That was the shorthand of my personal recipe for revolution. I would make loads of them and all our fans would safety pin them to their denim and leather or right over their crotches.

I am still friends with many of the women I skated with and we continue to follow and support each others accomplishments and lives. Derby at that time represented a counterculture of misfit gals and guys. Real rock n rollers who lived on the fringes of Society. Although I’m not sweating and bleeding on the flat track these days I do still street skate often and will always be a roller girl. I highly encourage all sports fans to check out the WFTDA, that’s the Women’s Flat Track Derby Association which features some of the most phenomenal athletes both in the states and globally.

Anna:

Are there other major highlight moments of your story that you feel helped you get to such a fearless and dedicated place of liberation in your life?

“ I’d say cancer was a turning point in so far as it’s added fuel to the fire for adventure and staying on MY path however quirky or uncomfortable or disruptive it may be. It’s made us even more resilient and even more validated in creating exactly the life we really want to live. ”

Sarah:

Oh yeah! Two years ago when I took the kids out of school and quit that jobbie job I had every intention of selling my home in the burbs for an RV and hitting the road. My kids wanted to drive as far south as possible. I said “well, I can drive you to about 90 miles from Cuba.” “Yeah right Ma!”  I’m serious kids get the map out and see for yourselves. So they did and then they packed. We made it to Kiawah Island and about a week into our visit I became ill. I thought I had the flu, but could hardly stand. I drove off the island to a hospital and they told me I needed a blood transfusion right away to save my life! FUCK! Thank you blood donors!

After a battery of tests they determined I had a very rare kind of cancer that less than 1% of people get and it’s usually not discovered until it’s metastasized. They said I was remarkable and they’ll probably live out their entire medical careers without ever seeing someone find this cancer in early stages. Hahaha! See I can’t even do cancer normal. Our week long visit at my mothers turned into an almost three month stay while I recovered and we embraced that all we have is now.

We returned home to Knoxville once I was well enough. I remember feeling an overwhelming sense of loneliness and defeat. I’d just almost died and was confused about how to live. I was really vulnerable. My kids were vulnerable and asking me questions like “if you die where will we go?” The whole experience really shook us up and we learned so much. We learned that there really is no “safety” and that the rug can get pulled out from under almost every good plan so we just go ahead and do things. If we fail and have to make a lateral movement or refocus that’s fine.

So long story shorter, I’d say cancer was a turning point in so far as it’s added fuel to the fire for adventure and staying on MY path however quirky or uncomfortable or disruptive it may be. It’s made us even more resilient and even more validated in creating exactly the life we really want to live. Now we’re back to the WildJoy vision board. The house is on the market and I recently found a great team to help us build out a bus into a beautiful, modern, sustainable mobile tiny home. So although I’ve had several major turning points that have asserted me in “leveling up” to the free life I’d say these past few years have really provided just the perfect storm to push me into full commitment toward my WildJoy ways.

Anna:

Wow! You’ve experienced  a lot of struggles in your journey thus far. Amidst the ups and downs of this wild ride of life what are some ways that you ground yourself and help you foster a sense of calm when stormy seas roll through?

“I’d lean heavily into big strong trees and envision them as my backbone when I was scared...I'd add my tears to the creeks and rivers and thank the waters for carrying them away...and when I felt like I belonged to nothing I'd find or make a place in the Earth to sink my bare feet into and say I belong here. I belong with you.”

Sarah:

Ever since I can remember from early childhood I’ve understood the natural world as spirits and energies. My home life was pretty volatile growing up in an alcoholic household. The violence, the screaming, the meltdowns, nurturing adults through their hangovers when I wanted them to be alive and awake with me. I had a shadow beast of anxiety deep in my belly and it took root. I never knew coming through the front door if I’d be spit on, slapped or hugged...so I spent as much time outside as possible...I learned quickly how to get outside and ask the sky to open up for me and send the winds of change.

I’d lean heavily into big strong trees and envision them as my backbone when I was scared and when I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I’d add my tears to the creeks and rivers and thank the waters for carrying them away and when I felt alone and like I belonged to nothing I’d find or make a place in the Earth to sink my bare feet into and say “i belong here. I belong with you”. Those are very real practices that I have always known how to do and been compelled to do and never stopped doing.

When I walk deep into the forest I feel at home. The ocean connects me to everything I know and there has been no greater medicine for me than sand, salt water and sky. I have a very intimate relationship with the weather as well. Weather is so spirited and literally is in a constant conversation with my soul. It’s information is angelic. I see nature, the forests, the skies and oceans and rocks and earth as being perfect as they are, as they come, as they change. Nature is a pontiff of possibilities and it is never not me.

“Nature is a pontiff of possibilities and it is never not me.”

Anna:

People often talk about how having children can hinder opportunities for adventure, but I don’t feel like there’s enough talk about how having children can add to adventure. Are there ways that your kids enhance adventure in your life?

Sarah:

My kids are my adventure buddies for sure! They’re my ride or die. Both of them have had a lot of personal struggle and heart ache attempting to fit into the mainstream. When my son came to me in tears and told me going to public school was not how he wanted to spend his precious days on earth I had to listen. I had to take compassionate action and it’s been the most rewarding experience so far because it made my own dreams of chasing sunsets non-negotiable.

Some of us truly were never meant to fit into the systems that currently exist and quite literally lack the capacity to live in a world this hurtful...so we poke holes in the systems or we opt out and create our own lives entirely. I can’t think of a greater adventure than to be in solidarity with young magicians of this caliber as we craft our wildly joyful lives.

“I can’t think of a greater adventure than to be in solidarity with young magicians of this caliber.”

Anna:

Who are some role models you’ve looked up to on your journey who have also said fuck it with wild abandon and spread inspiration of liberation?

Sarah:

There are so many people of great significance to me in this regard. Too many to list. I’ve always admired Patti Smith. Over the years I’ve leaned on her words and creations in my most lonesome places and at times of great celebration. I particularly love these words of hers from an improvised meditation of hers titled Constantine’s Dream:

“And Piero della Francesca waking, cried out

All is art-all is future!

Oh Lord let me die on the back of adventure

With a brush and an eye full of light”

Anna:

What advice do you have for others who are currently journeying on the well traveled path in life, yet yearn to venture into the unknown to craft lives that are more uniquely suited for them?

“Take the box and turn it upside down and shake the shit out of it until you fall out and then get up and burn that fucker to the ground.”

Sarah:

Put yourself in situations where you can dis-identify with society. I’m being very sincere when I say that. Do whatever you can to get outside of it. Take the box and turn it upside down and shake the shit out of it until you fall out and then get up and burn that fucker to the ground...and start having sex the way you REALLY REALLY want to have sex and see how quickly you awaken. Hahahaha! I’m serious. Fuck the way you really want to fuck. Take the time to actually figure that out and come as you are.

And in general when something calls to you along your way respond to it with integrity and intention. If you don’t know what the fuck you’re doing or you’re fearful honor that fear as respect for the deep power of the medicine you’re finding. Open yourself up to mentors along the way if you feel so inspired, but don’t count on anyone else saving you or healing you.

The way I see it, we’re moving through the age of authenticity and into the age of liberation. Do only what really resonates with you. We have to be careful. We have to learn discernment and use it. Don’t let anyone try and convince you that you need them to move forward on your own path or worse that they can tell you what your life path is or even worse that they can heal you because they can not and should not.

You are it. You are the guru, you are the healer, you are everything that you want something else to be for you. Skilled and studied healing arts practitioners are here to offer support services NOT to perform miracles on you or tell you what your dreams mean or initiate you. You are the miracle. You are the dreamer and the interpreter. Your life is your initiation. I meant it when I said we heal ourselves simply by the lives we lead and that authenticity is the medicine.

Pay attention to how things make you FEEL especially in a society that tells us our feelings don’t matter. If a situation FEELS wrong to you then it is. Your feelings are a compass and you are the navigator and the ocean all at once. You are worth more than you have ever been told. Perhaps the most important thing of all is for you to truly believe that.

You are the guru,

You are the healer,

You are everything that you want something else to be for you…

You are worth more than you have ever been told.”

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